did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
I'm pretty sure that every show on ABC Family could be turned into a drinking game.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
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