My girlfriend figured out who you are.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I just want to make out with him forever
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
