I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
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