You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Randomize
