So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
