I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
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