did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Mom said you looked used
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Randomize
