he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
do herpes really smell.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
