I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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