i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Randomize
