I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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