dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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