Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
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