I smell stomach acid.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
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Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
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Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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