It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
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