She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
Randomize
