im six kinds of drunk right now
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Randomize
