Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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