mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
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