So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
I need to align my fucking chakras
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Randomize
