I just threw up on my dentist
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Randomize
