i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
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