just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Randomize
