Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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