you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
