I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
