i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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