You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Randomize
