NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
