Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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