rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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