Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
