No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
Randomize
