Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Randomize
