420 ftw
I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I love having hate sex.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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