MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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