I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
They have beer where we have blood.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
