i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
