I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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