you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
