So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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