everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Randomize
