my vag is so smooth its legendary
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
