my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
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