i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
