If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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