i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Randomize
