I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
