i need an iv and a liver transplant
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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