plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Randomize
