We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Randomize
