You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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