i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
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