On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
