i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
