Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
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PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
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Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
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